I’m scared.

Can I say that?

I’m hurting.

I need to say that.

I’m willing to bet you are too.

For different reasons perhaps but either way, hurt hurts.

A friend of mine, Bob Hostetler, recently delivered a life changing key note speech that flung open any doors my heart secretly tried to keep hidden.

“Write bruised.”

“Write broken.”

“Write naked.”

I am all of those today. In truth, I am all of those, all of the time. At least, I want to be.

Before God. Before others.

I spent thirty-two years pretending I wasn’t. I can’t do that anymore. I won’t.

Yesterday I watched my son hurt in ways I can’t take away.

There are no magic words. No magic touch.


We received good news from the cardiologist. His echo cardiogram looked great. The abnormalities on the EKG were thoroughly checked and they are normal. He does need to wear a heart monitor for two weeks to address his palpitations but this is a precautionary step the cardiologist wants him to take so we can say without a doubt, that none of this is due to his heart.

Thank you Abba, thank you.


When the cardiologist left the room my son burst into tears.

“I’m still hurting,” he said.

At this point, going to any doctor seems counterproductive. His mind can’t process this the way ours can. He knows why we’re there and yet secretly hopes with each doctor that examines him, that they can make it all go away.

He turned toward the wall so I rubbed his back. He pulled away from my touch. He’s never done that. When he did, the sword that’s been lodged in my heart since April 21, twisted even further.

I’m right here honey, let me hold you.

He was hurting too bad in that moment. Too confused.

I sat down silently asking God to do what I couldn’t.


We went straight from there to see the pain management doctor. After what happened at the cardiologist I hesitated to even go. I knew this wasn’t going to be what he wanted it to be.

If one thing was said that would help him to deal with this or help Frank & I to help him, the pros tipped the scale.


Elijah turns eleven tomorrow. The biggest Lego set in the world can’t replace the wish that he could simply not hurt.

We’re working on the big Lego part, but the other part I’m leaving to God.

With an enduring faith. Not a fickle one, moved by the waves as they crash.

No, one that sits by the ocean, aware of it’s massive power.

Feeling its breeze.

Hearing its voice.

Assured that it is kept in its place by God.

Galatians 6:9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Gal 6:9 Click To Tweet






7 Replies to “BOLDLY BROKEN”

  1. I ache for your momma’s heart, Callie. I don’t know of a more helpless feeling than when our child is in pain. I’m praying you’ll soon get the answers you’re searching for — but above all, I pray Elijah will sense God’s fierce love and caring presence surrounding him, and that this awareness will bring him comfort in beautiful and unexpected ways. To God be the glory!

  2. Praying for your family.
    As my daughter was nearing heaven and her pain intense, my mother’s heart was broken.
    Praying Elijah’s pain will be carried by our precious Lord.

  3. Praying for you both! He is such a sweet boy. I remember when he picked Joshua to play with him over the summer. Four years goes by so fast…May God take his pain.Your words always touch me.

  4. Also praying for Elijah, You & Frank, Joshua and Isaiah too. No-one goes unaffected in situations like you are facing now. Jesus, you know what’s ahead, carry them through this together.

  5. Oh my dear Callie, my heart aches with yours. Your words are eloquent, giving us a vivid picture of the pain for both you and your son. As I read your words, I couldn’t help but think how God must feel when I turn my back to Him and don’t let Him comfort me with my pain. From your point of view, however, your faith to trust God to comfort him in ways you cannot, is amazing. I pray you will be able to continue to trust God in every step of this. And I pray with you for complete, miraculous healing.